As a matter of fact, if you took away the distractions and simply went with the narrative as presented, you’d be so bored you’d demand dozens of longing shots of Transformer testicles. For all its intricate automaton gimmickry, its empty nest parent pratfalls, and racially sketchy strategies, its one incessantly boring experience. It’s a sentiment that’s even more obvious when you re-watch the film again sans 70 foot screen surplus. They loved ever inch of Bay’s amped up retreat, never once arguing with its “same thing, just more of it” mantra. That’s right – audiences are apparently retarded. So why is it that one crappy overdone excuse for Hollywood Summer movie merchandising set the studio coffers ablaze, while the other ran out of steam before it could make back its craft services budget? If the recently released Blu-ray versions of both films are any indication, the answer is quite simple – people are dumb. On the other hand, by the time Cobra’s new world order nemesis showed up, the press held back from passing judgment on its lack of charm, it could barely break $150 million. As audiences tempered on better impressive eye candy like Star Trek, they lined up like loons to prove that the lowest common denominator sometimes equals the biggest box office returns. Subtitled The Rise of Cobra, this beached whale workout offered the king of pointless surfeit, Stephen Sommers, using every CG trick in the book, including robotic running suits and an underwater battle so pointlessly elephantine that it would make Poseidon himself pass out.īut a funny thing happened on the way to the rendering lab – Transformers turned the trick, raking in more cash per critic’s complaint than any film in the history of hack. It’s opponent – another Paramount production, this time based on the ’80s geek reinterpretation of that real American hero, GI Joe. Clocking in at more than two hours and twenty-nine minutes, it threatened to bludgeon the audience with its gignormous F/X overkill and fetishized shots of Megan Fox’s…face. One the one side was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Michael Bay’s bloated expansion of everything the first film got right (or for some, wrong). It should have been the blockbuster battle royale of 2009, a cinematic smackdown between two toy-based action adventure popcorn epics.
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